Divorce Part 3

The discussion has reached the point that in the eyes of Islam divorce is vehemently hated and detested. Islam inclines towards maintaining the contract of steadfast and firm marriage. At this point we took up for consideration the question as to why, when divorce is hated and detested to this extent, Islam did not declare it unlawful. Does Islam not prohibit every activity which is detestable like drinking, gambling and tyranny? Why did Islam not declare divorce altogether unlawful, and why has it not put a legal prohibition on it? What is the logic in saying that divorce is a lawful but detestable thing? If it is lawful, what does it mean to say that at the same time it is detested; and if is detestable, why should it be lawful? On the one hand Islam frowns at the man who divorces his wife, and feels disapproval and disgust towards him, but, on the other hand, when the man wants to divorce his wife, it puts no legal barrier up against him. Why should this be so? This is a very relevant question. All the mystery lies in this very point. The real secret, the crucial point, is that marriage and the life of a husband and wife is a spontaneous relationship and is not based upon contract; special laws have been stipulated in nature for it. The pact is intrinsically different from all other social agreements, such as sale agreements, leases, conciliations, mortgages, and the power of attorney and so forth, all of which are merely a series of social contractual agreements; one’s nature and disposition have nothing to do with those things. Moreover, neither have any laws in the natural or innate sense been determined for them; in contrast to the marriage agreement, in which the natural inclination of the two parties, which has, so to speak, a special mechanism, should be taken into account.

For this reason, if the marriage contract has provisions which other agreements and contracts do not have, it should not be an occasion for surprise.

Natural laws in the case of marriage and divorce:

In civil and social life, the natural law is the law of freedom and equality. All social arrangements should be based upon the two principles of freedom and equality and not anything else, unlike the pact of marriage, for which, in nature, principles other than freedom and equality have also been provided, and there is no alternative except to observe these laws. Divorce, like marriage, has a law in the framework of nature prior to any contractual, positive law. Just as in the start of the matter and in its intermediary period, that is, during married life, the laws of nature should be observed, so also in divorce which is its termination, these laws must be kept in view. (We mentioned these things in the sections on proposing, on dower and maintenance, and especially in the e section on the differences between men and women). To leave the matter wholly to nature would serve no purpose, for, as Alexis Carrel has said, the biological laws pertaining to life, are like the laws of the heavens: strict, cruel and unopposable.

Marriage is unity and coming together, and divorce is separation and breakage. When nature has to contrived the law of pairing and union of man and woman in such a way that from the one side there is effort to take possession and from the other side there is giving way for the purposes of charm and attraction, the feelings of the one side are based on getting the person of the other and the feelings of the other side are based on capturing the heart of the other. When nature laid the foundations of marriage on love, unity and sympathy of feeling, and not on the basis of working together and comradeship, and when the nature has arranged the design of the family on the centrality of the more delicate sex and the orbiting of the coarser sex, the separation, disunion and breaking up of this home and the wreck of this harmonious system should also follow a special arrangement.

In our fifteenth article, we quoted an eminent thinker as writing “Finding a mate means for men an attack for domination and for women giving way for the purposes of charm and attraction. The actions of man, since he is by nature a hunting animal, are aggressive and positive and woman is for him a prey which he must trap. Finding a partner is a battle and a combat and marriage is possession and authority.”

The contract which is based on love and unity, and not on working together and comradeship, cannot be forced or coerced. It is possible to bind two individuals to work together by force of law, and they consider their contract to work together to be based upon justice, and so, worthy of being respected, and they will go on for a number of years working together. However, it is impossible to order two individuals to love each other and be sincere to each other, to command one to devote him or herself to the other, and to consider the happiness of the other, as his or her own happiness by force of law.

If we want such relations to exist between two individuals, we must make use of other practical and social contrivances apart from the imposition of legal obligations.

The natural mechanism of marriage, on which Islam has based its laws, is that the woman should have a position of being loved and respected in the family order. Consequently, if, for some reason, the wife has fallen from this position and the warmth of the love of the husband for her has cooled down and he has lost his affection for her, the foundation and the main pillar of the family had been destroyed. In other words a natural social unit has been destroyed by a rule of nature. Islam views this situation with regret, but once it is evident that the natural basis of that marriage has been destroyed, Islam cannot continue to imagine it to exist and be alive from a legal point of view. Islam tries, and takes specific steps to maintain the life or of a family, that the woman should remain in the position of being loved and being sought after, and the man in the position of the seeker, the lover, ready to help.

Islam recommends that a woman should make herself attractive to her husband, that she should employ her skills in new ways for her husband, that she should satisfy her husband’s libidinal needs and that she should not turn down his advances and thereby create complexes and neuroses in him. Correspondingly, Islam has recommended the man to be kind and affectionate towards his wife and to demonstrate his affection and love for her; he should not be reticent in his love for her. The plan of Islam in these recommendations is that the enjoyment of sex should be confined to milieu of the family. Large gatherings should be an environment for work and other activities, and not a focus of sexual pleasures. The recommendations of Islam are all grounded in this principle that contacts between men and women outside the frame of reference of the marriage must necessarily and definitely be morally impeccable and without lubricity. All these things have as their sole and unique aim that the family units of the society should be guarded and protected from being broken up and destroyed.

The natural status of man in family life:

In the eyes of Islam, the greatest insult for a woman is that her husband should say to her, “I don’t love you. I hate you”, but at that stage the law may seek to keep the woman forcibly and by compulsion in the house of that man. Law can by compulsion retain the woman in the house of that man, but it cannot possibly keep her in her natural position in the conjugal environment, that is, the position of being loved and centrality. The law has the power to safeguard the material interests of the wife like enforcing her right to maintenance, and so forth, but it has no power to force the husband to maintain his position as a devoted person lovingly revolving round his wife.

So whenever the fire of the love and affection of the husband is extinguished, the union of marriage, from the natural point of view, subsists no more.

We are confronted with another question here. If that fire of love is extinguished on the side of the woman, what is the situation? Does family life continue and flourish in spite of the fact that the wife’s warmth of affection for her husband has cooled down, or does it not? If it does, what is the difference between a woman and a man, whereby man’s indifference and apathy is the cause of the end of family life, while the woman’s apathy
Is not the cause of its breaking up? If an end in the warmth of a wife’s love brings family life to a stop, and if and when the woman declares her apathy towards her husband, should we consider the marriage to have ceased to exist and should we give the wife also the right to divorce?

The answer is that family life depends upon the affections of both sides, not of one. The only thing is that the psychology of women and men is different in this respect, and we have established this point on the authority of eminent thinkers in our previous articles. Nature has devised the ties of the husband and wife in such a form that the part of the woman is to respond to the love of the man. The affection and love of a woman which is genuine and stable can only be that love which is born as a reaction to the affection and admiration of man towards her. So the attachment of the woman to the man is the result of the attachment of the man to the woman and depends upon it. Nature has given the key to the love of both sides to the man, the husband. If he loves his wife and is faithful to her, the wife also loves him and remains faithful to him. It is an admitted fact that woman
is naturally more faithful than man, and that a woman’s unfaithfulness is a reaction to the unfaithfulness of the man.

Nature has deposited the key of the natural dissolution of marriage in the custody of man. In other words, it is man who by his own apathy and unfaithfulness towards his wife makes her cold and unfaithful. Conversely, if the indifference begins on the side of the wife, it does not effect the affection of the man, rather; incidentally it makes the affection more acute. Consequently, the indifference of the man leads to indifference on both sides, but the indifference the woman does not lead to indifference on both sides. Coldness and the extinction of love in the husband is the death of the marriage and the end of the family life, but the wife’s coldness and the extinction of her affection towards the husband drives her to the state of a half dead patient with a hope of recovery. When the coldness begins on the side of the wife, if the husband is wise and faithful, he may regain the warmth of affection of the wife by expression of love and kindness. It a not an insult for man to keep his disillusion beloved by force of law until she gradually regains her affection, but it is unbearable for a woman to have to seek the force and the constraint of the law to keep her supporter and his love.

This is of course in such situations where the cause of the apathy of the woman is not the immorality and cruelty of the husband. If the husband begins to tyrannize his wife and she because of the oppression and cruelty of her husband becomes unaffectionate towards him, that is quite another thing. We shall discuss this matter separately, man, in connection with the second problem to be discussed, we shall put forth our point of view that is, we shall discuss the unmanly way in which some husbands withhold divorce. Concerning this we shall say that this kind of men should not be allowed to take advantage of his wife and keep her with him to be cruel to her and to tyrannize her.

Briefly, then, the difference between the man and the woman lies in the fact that the man needs the person of the woman, while the woman needs the heart of her husband. The affectionate support and kindness of the husband is so valuable for the wife that without this the marriage becomes unbearable for her.

The view of a female psychologist:

In issue number 113 of Zan-e ruz, an article was published from a book called the psychology of mothers by a French woman, Beatrice Marbeau. According to the article, she is a psychiatrist. She is a psychologist and psychoanalyst attached to the Paris hospitals, and is herself a mother with three children.

In this article, a woman’s need of the love and kindness of her husband when she is pregnant has been well explained. She says, “From the time that a woman has the feeling that she will shortly be a mother, she begins to watch, examine and smell the different parts of her body, especially when it is her 1st child. This state of inquisitiveness is very important. It is just like the state of a woman who is a stranger to herself and wishes to discover herself. When, for the first time, the woman feels the slight movements of her tiny child within her womb, she begins to listen to all the sounds of her body, The presence of another being within her body gives her such a feeling of well-being and pleasure that she gradually seeks to be apart and alone and cuts connections with the outer world The reason for this mental state is that she wishes to be alone with her embryonic child who has not yet come into this world….

“During the days of the pregnancy of their wives, husbands have a very important job on their hands but they always, regretfully, avoid carrying out these duties. The future mother wants to feel that her husband understands her, loves her and supports her. Otherwise when she sees that her stomach has swollen and her beauty is impaired, and she feels sickness and is afraid of the delivery, she will put the blame on her husband for all those discomforts for it was he who made her pregnant…It is the duty of the husband to stay by the side of his wife much more than before. The members of a family need to speak directly to a kind father of all their difficulties, sorrows and pleasures, even if their talk is senseless and boring. A pregnant woman very much needs to talk about her child. All the pride and honour of a woman is in her being a mother, and when she feels that her husband is indifferent towards the child whom she shall soon bring forth into the world, that feeling of pride and honour is changed into hate and futility. She begins to hate the thought of being a mother, and pregnancy begins to mean for her arriving at the point of death. It has been proved that mothers who have become disillusioned in this way bear the pains of birth with very great difficulty...

The relation of a child and its mother is not the relation of two individuals. As a matter of fact it is the relation of three persons, the mother, the baby and the father; and the father, even if he is absent (he may have divorced his wife), has a basic role in the inner life of the woman, in her ideas and thoughts, and also in her feeling of being a mother.

These are the ideas of an eminent woman thinker who is a psychologist as well as a mother.

The structure which is built on affections and feelings:

Now seriously consider whether a person who depends to this extent upon the sympathies, sincere affection, support and kindness of another person, and who is able to endure everything on the strength of that person’s affectionate behavior and kindness, so much so that even that person’s own child has no proper significance without that other persons feelings of love and affection and not just his presence, whether that needing person can possibly be forced by law to be attached to the other being who is man.

Is it not a mistake that, on the one hand, we provide sources to encourage permissiveness and incentives for men to lose interest in their wives, and everyday provide more and more circumstances to excite sexual passions, and then, on the other hand, we want to bind wives to their husbands by force of law? Islam has provided the conditions for the husband to really want and love his wife, but Islam has never wanted to unite woman and man by force.

As a general rule, whenever there is a question of the interest of the heart, devotion, sincerity and the such like being the basic determining factor, the force of law has no place. It may be regrettable in some cases, but there is no point in compulsion, coercion and obligation.

For example we know that in communal prayers (salatu ‘l- jama’ah) the righteousness of the Imam and the confidence of those who follow him in prayers in his righteousness is a necessary condition. The relation of the Imam and those who follow him in prayers is a relation which has for its base the righteousness of the Imam and the confidence, devotion and sincerity of those who follow him. The heart and the feelings are the basic pillar of this relation. For this very reason this relation does not admit of any force or coercion. The law cannot guarantee the continuance and maintenance of this relation. If the followers in prayers sever their connections with the Imam and their faith and devotion is disturbed, this connection automatically breaks up, irrespective of whether this lapse of faith and devotion is well-founded or not. Suppose the Imam had the distinction of having the highest degree of righteousness, piety and competence, but he could not make people follow him in prayers. It would be ridiculous for the Imam to approach the court of law and complain against the people about how they have no faith in him, and how they should not devoted to him and finally how they do not follow him in prayers. Rather, it would be a most contemptible thing for the Imam to compel people to follow him in prayers by force of law.

The same is the case of members of Parliament and their constituency. The nature of this relation is such that it should be based on a feeling of trust and faith. A feeling of devotion and goodwill is the vital pillar of this relation and cooperation. People must have faith, trust und confidence in the representative whom they elect. If people do not elect an individual, he cannot and should not force people to elect him, even if the people are mistaken in their assessment and the man is the most competent and deserving candidate, because the nature of electioneering and voting is incompatible with compulsion, and such a man cannot, on the strength of his competence, approach a court of law with a complaint about how people, in spite of his being so-and- so did not elect him.

What is required in circumstances like this is that the level of thought of the people should be raised. Their education should be carried out in the right way so that whenever they want they can perform their religious duties in a correct way. They should find out who really are the righteous persons, and then attach themselves to them and follow them. When they want to perform their duties in society they should be able to find out the competent persons, and, according to their inclinations and loyalties, cast their votes for them. If it happens, after some time, that people change their convictions and move towards some other person, and have even done this without any justification for their action, it is, no doubt, regrettable; but it is not an occasion for compulsion and the use of force.

Family duties are just like religious duties and social duties. The main point is that we should understand that Islam considers family life to be a natural social unit and that for this natural social unit a special mechanism is called for, and that it is necessary and unavoidable to keep that mechanism within view.

One of the miracles of Islam is that it has determined what this mechanism is. The Western world has ignored this aspect of human relations and that is why it cannot overcome the difficulties surrounding family affairs. Every day a new difficulty arises. However, fortunately, scientific research is gradually bringing it to light. I am quite sure and can confidently assert that by scientific enlightenment the western world will gradually accept principles in the regulation of their family life. Of course, I realize that my concept of the sound and enlightening teachings of Islam is not what most people understand it to be.

It is something more than equality which strengthens the foundation of the family:

What the Western world professes to be fond of is equality, but it does not know that Islam has already solved the question of equality fourteen centuries ago. In the affairs of the family, which has its own order, there is something which is superior to equality. Nature has decreed equality only in civil social life and that is all, but in the family unit it has designed other laws, too, besides that of equality. Equality alone is not sufficient to regulate family relations. In relations, all the laws of nature should be kept in view.

Equality in corruption:

Unfortunately the word ‘equality’, has lost its true connotations and meaning due to much repeated and excessive use. A few think that the meaning of ‘equality’ is equality of rights, and they imagine that when they have applied the concept of equality to one situation their work is finished. These uninformed persons think that formerly men used to deceive women, but that now, since women also deceive men, everything is all right, because equality in deception has been established. In the past, ten out of a hundred marriages were terminated by divorces and separations which were in the hands of men, but now, in some parts of the world, forty per cent of marriages are terminated by divorce, and in half this number the move is made by the wives. So they should rejoice and be happy that perfect equality has been established. Formerly it was only the men who were treacherous to women, and it was only men who were not God-fearing and pious. Today, fortunately, women also commit breaches of mist and are not pious and God-fearing. What can be better than that? Long live equality! Down with inequality! Formerly men were the symbols of cruelty and oppression. It was they who, despite having a few darling children, went after a new love, leaving behind the wife and children. And now wives, long- married, after living for years joined with their husbands in matrimony and with several children, abandon their hearth and home with complete cruelty and faithlessness, impressed by an introduction to another man at a party. They leave to satisfy their desires. What a good thing. What can be better than that? Men and women have come to stand on the same footing and equality has been established.

Instead of remedying the endless number of social ills, reforming the weakness of men and women, and strengthening the structure of the family home, we are further damaging it and making it more unstable, yet we rejoice and make merry and are perfectly satisfied that, anyhow, we are stepping forward in the direction of equality. Perhaps our only fear is that gradually women will gain victory over men in corruption, perversion, heartlessness and cruelty.